How to get rid of suffering: personal experience

Even as a child, I began to notice how "magic goes away".

I was a terrible drag.

I was clumsy. I had a very bad stretch. I slouched harder than the others.

At night, I slept with my teeth clenched tight.

I wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't read books. Couldn't read long texts. From year to year, I was getting worse at school.

My classmates thought I was weird: so stupid I was.

By the end of my studies, I suspect my teachers were just feeling sorry for me. I got my B-grade, but only because of them.

I felt very bad . There is a concept of a comfort zone. So: I don't have it at all: I've always felt uncomfortable..

Sitting in class, I constantly shook my leg and yawned.

I often liked to lie down. When I came home from school, I went to bed. My mother would ask me, " Why are you lying down?" And I was just so tired... " Tired of what? You didn't do anything..."

Eventually I came to the attention of psychiatrists. They diagnosed me with depression. I didn't believe it: "Depression can't be so bad..."

Over time, my state of health worsened further: I felt heavy and sick, and at some point it simply became unbearable.

By age, this corresponded to about 19 years. By that time, I had somehow entered high school, and it just became too hard for me to sit through the whole lesson(!).

But my health continued to deteriorate further. At some point — I just started to suffer.

I could not tell what hurt. You could only get rid of it by falling asleep.

When I spent most of my time in bed, all I could think about was how to "forget myself".

I was prescribed some kind of antidepressant, but it didn't work. Then they picked up another one for me. It eased my suffering, but it didn't make me healthy. I was just as slow to think; it was almost as hard for me. It was just bearable now.

I transferred to another high school – an easier one, and had a hard time studying there.

One day I went to a dermatologist. I complained to him about dandruff, and he drew attention to the oily skin of my face (indeed, my forehead and nose just glistened).

He asked me a question about how intensively I have to study now. I didn't understand him and asked him again:

"You mean am I really stressed?" Yes, very tense...
- why?
"I just don't know...
- You don't have to be tense: you don't need to be... You don't need to be tense, you need to be relaxed...

I was just taken aback by this... Really: I had always been tense...

I've always been like this for as long as I can remember. I was born this way, and I thought it was the way it should be. I couldn't think this should be any different.

When I learned that I didn't need to be tense, I immediately put my heart out of my mouth. The need for antidepressants has also disappeared. I stopped taking them, and I never felt as bad since then as I had used to.

#depression#suffering

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